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THE FAT LADY SINGS
November 22nd 2007 After eating a whole bag of fortune cookies on Saturday afternoon, Steve McLaren reportedly spent 90 minutes in the bog during the Israel v Russia game later in the day and the cookies came up trumps when at 1-1 Russia struck the post just a minute or so before Israel gave him a lifeline with a late winner while at the same time Macedonia beat Croatia. Great stuff so all that was left for the England players to do was put their boots on on the Wednesday evening and they were through right? They only needed a draw and Croatia were already through so they won't even be trying right? McLaren fielded Scott Carson, a goalie who would be playing his first competitive game for England but who had a decidedly un-English name and who had played for the Celtic, well Cleator Moor Celtic. Was McLaren looking for the sack? Well it looked that way when the goalie made an unbelievable howler and let the ball slip past him into the net early in the game. The Celtic fans in the crowd went wild, did you spot them? Worse was to follow, Croatia went 2-0 up and England assistant manager Terry Venables was posted missing, a fact spotted by co-commentator Mark Lawrenson who was almost in tears by this time - who would have guessed he had 39 caps for Ireland? Where was Venables, was he away for a quick poop and maybe didn't spot that it was only Izal bog paper until it was too late, (that's yon shiny stuff that slips right up yer back) or just nipped out to Ladbrokes to put a bet on Jose Mourinho to be the next England boss? He wasn't the only one missing, Steven Gerrard was doing an Invisible Man impression as were the whole England back four but the second half saw the introduction of Mr Golden Balls-Spice, the saviour. Every time the ball went to Beckham the commentator's voice turned to a high pitched shriek but to be fair Becks made a difference and put in a great ball for Peter Crouch to score a fantastic equaliser after Lampard had netted a penalty. Two goals each and England are through but wait, Croatia haven't read the script and score a third goal! Full time and England's hopes are now pinned on one of the worst teams in the world doing them a turn against Russia, it's that desperate but it's soon all over in Andorra as well and McLaren slinks off down the tunnel to meet his doom. Big Eck for England? I don't think so but following the sacking of Steve McLaren this morning, the current Scotland manager is 50/1 to take over the hot seat. Jose Mourinho is 7/2, Martin O'Neill is 5/1 then it's 10/1Shearer and Coppell, 12/1 Scolari, 14/1 Pearce, 16/1 Capello, 20/1 Curbishley, Hiddink and Allardyce. Alex Ferguson is 50/1 and even David Moyes, Paul Jewell and David Beckham are in there but there is no sign of the treble title chasing Celtic manager Gordon Strachan in the betting nor the relatively successful former Scotland boss Walter the Waistcoat.
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